I’ve been seeing a lot of videos that show Christmas in the 90s.
They suck you in with the nostalgia of it all. Bing Crosby in the background, while showing incandescent lights that are impossible to find these days.
You can almost smell the cookies baking in the oven, while mom is watching TV in the kitchen.
You feel a pit in your stomach.
Why is that feeling gone? Where did it go?
You hear other adults talk about getting back to that feeling; searching for something that no longer exists.
How does a feeling just disappear?
I’ve been longing for that feeling for over half my life. It’s been decades since I experienced that magic.
Then, I became a mom.
I dreamed of giving my daughter the Christmases that I grew up with. I envisioned how I could give her the same whimsy.
It hit me.
My mom was the magic.
Somehow an old man gets all of the credit, but it was my mom.
She was always exhausted around the holidays, but still always found a way to make sure we didn’t feel her stress. We didn’t know that a world outside of pure magic existed.
SHE WAS THE HOLIDAY MAGIC.
She was decorating the tree, looking for gifts that she knew would make us feel seen, baking the cookies, preparing the huge meal. filling the stalkings and letting Santa take all the credit, wrapping the gifts, planning the teacher’s gifts, getting the bus driver gifts, planning travel to see family, and on and on and on. This was all while working a full-time job.
To this day she tells me that it was all worth it to see how happy we were.
But, I want her to know that I see her. That I know that the sinking feeling I get in my gut when I see those videos is because I no longer live under her roof. That the magic I felt was not because of Santa or the “stuff”, but because my mom was the magic. She was the whimsy.
I’m giving my daughter the magic, even though I’m certain I’ll never live up to my mom’s degree of care around the holidays. But, I struggle with the martyrship of it all. It’s just another occasion that women are in the background while someone else is taking the credit.
And yes, to me, it’s that deep.
So, while I don’t have an answer, and don’t want to impede on her holiday enchantment, I do want to tell the other women in my life that I see you. Whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, or other celebrations…
YOU ARE THE HOLIDAY MAGIC.
