I’ve been wanting to say so much, yet I don’t want to be tone deaf. I’m full of deafening anxiety as well as hope. This is the strangest combination of two emotions I’ve ever confronted. There is so much fear out there, and for good reason. People are dying left and right (yes, we’re going to talk about it because it’s real life right now). There will also be many more indirect casualties as a result of this virus, once we get back to our new “normal”. That doesn’t sit well with me. It feels awful to see us all sitting in our comfortable homes while there are people that don’t even have money for groceries and just lost their job. People in other countries who don’t even know the full extent of what’s happening because there isn’t news coverage there. Grocery store workers, making minimum wage, who aren’t even given masks or a damn pay raise.
I’m hopeless and I’m hopeful.
How? How can I feel both?
When this is all over, people will want to hug loved ones. They will want photographs to document those fleeting moments that they might have taken for granted. Weddings will still happen, first birthdays, and people will still want documentation of their lives. I’m so lucky that I’ll come out of this okay. I feel guilt in this. I also feel extremely lucky. I don’t really know what to do with these mixed emotions, other than talk about them.
There is beauty in pain. There is light in darkness. There are so many people out there losing their lives, losing their jobs, unable to quarantine, forced to work through all of this because they need it to feed their family, those unable to feed their family, 3rd world countries without medical help, and so much hurt. I am so privileged right now and I refuse to take that for granted. I refuse to complain about the unknown because at least I get another tomorrow. I have and will continue to donate where I can. I will count every single second as a blessing. I will be stronger when this is all over because I was given a fighting chance.
I've loved the song (look below) for so many years, as I know a lot of us have. It takes a lot for a song to move me to tears, but this did it. It's the nostalgia, it's the voices, it's how hard these words are hitting my soul. This is such a scary and uncertain time, but more than anything, we're finding comfort in one another. This is the closest I've felt to my community and we can't even hug or meet for coffee.
If you're feeling hopeless or scared, and if you're able, I encourage you to give to someone who needs it more. If you are one of those people who needs help, please reach out. The entire world is facing the same heartache. You aren't alone. Take comfort in that, but also don't take it for granted. I hope those of us that are lucky enough to come out of this do so with so much gratitude and continue to help those who aren't as lucky.
I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay to be worried about my own future, even though I have a savings account. I’m trying to tell myself that I can’t start thinking about every single person out there that will need help and not get it. I’m trying to tell myself that I better f’ing do something to help every time I get the chance. I feel a change in me. I feel a change in the world. There is definitely a shift happening. I just don’t yet know what that will look like.