I'm a Pessimist, But I Don't Want To Be

I'm a pessimist.

It's plagued me my entire life.

I've always thought, "I'm just never going to look at the world in a positive light. I'm always going to be negative and assume the worst."

I'm sure it's contributed to my (at times) crippling anxiety and (at times) depression.

I've been listening to podcasts about the studies on optimism and pessimism and it's been nothing short of eye-opening and inspiring.

They are learning that while it can be an inherited outlook, you can actually train yourself to be more optimistic.

The Happiness Lab has an interview with psychologist Marty Seligman (a self-proclaimed pessimist) on his studies on what makes people happy. He's quite literally changed his thinking to be optimistic.

Why am I writing this? I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a debilitating mindset that affects everyone around you, including your family. I know that I'm not the only one who wishes that everything hard that happens isn't "the end of the world" or "worst thing ever".

I know I'm not the only one who has cried actual tears over the way their brain works, but hasn't wanted to know the actual answer of if it can be fixed because what if the answer is, "This is just who you are"?

I'm finding that it doesn't have to be. I can nurture the things that are good in my life and the strengths that I posses, instead of nurturing what brings me pain.

The first photo of me pregnant shows what motherhood has felt like for the most part.

The second photo is how I long to feel most days.

I'm going to nurture the good in my life so that I can be more of the woman in that second photograph. I deserve it.

Birth of a Mother | Matrescence

One of my closest friends messaged me last week and she exclaimed, “You have to read this article and watch the video!”

No, I’m not a mother.

But, I will do everything in my power to build mothers up and make sure they feel like they have support and an army around them.

I watched the short video and was in complete awe. They found a word to explain what happens to a woman’s psychological development when she becomes a mother.

Matrescence

“When a baby is born, so is a mother -- but the natural (and sometimes unsteady) process of transition to motherhood is often silenced by shame or misdiagnosed as postpartum depression. In this quick, informative talk, reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks breaks down the emotional tug-of-war of becoming a new mother -- and shares a term that could help describe it: matrescence.” - Ted Talks via Youtube.

Please watch the incredibly informative video (it’s only 6 minutes).

Some quotes from the article by Alexandra Sacks:

“Let’s delve deeper into “matrescence,” the transition into motherhood described in our New York Times article, “Birth of a Mother”. Like adolescence, it is a transitionary period. Being pregnant is like going through puberty all over again: your hormones go nuts, your hair and skin don’t behave the way you’d like, and you develop a new relationship with a body that seems to have a mind of its own.

The difference? Everyone understands that adolescence is an awkward phase. But during matrescence, people expect you to be happy while you’re losing control over the way you look and feel.”

Powerful stuff, right?!

She goes on to explain:

“Ambivalence:

A feeling that comes up in the roles and relationships you’re most invested in, because they’re always a juggling act between giving and taking. Most of the time, the experience of motherhood is not good or bad, it’s both good and bad.

Fantasy vs. Reality:

Your imagination about pregnancy and motherhood is informed by observations of your own mother, female relatives, friends, and women in your community and culture. Fantasies may be powerful enough that reality disappoints if it doesn’t align with your vision.

Guilt, Shame and “The Good Enough Mother”:

There’s also the ideal mother in your mind. Many women think that “good enough” (a phrase coined by the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott) is not acceptable, because it sounds like settling. But striving for perfection sets you up to feel shame and guilt.”

This is the one that really got me:

“Intergenerational:

All mothering is intergenerational: for better and for worse, your maternal identity is founded in your mother’s style, and hers in her mother’s. Whether you parent your child as your mother parented you, or adopt a different mothering style, becoming a mother gives you a beautiful (and sometimes painful) opportunity for a do-over. In a way, you get to re-experience your own childhood in the act of parenting, repeating what was good, while trying to improve upon what you think you can do better.”

She then ends the article saying:

“Competition:

Your friends and family — even your spouse or partner — will be competing for your attention with your baby. Motherhood will also compete with the time, energy and resources you’re used to investing into your own eating, exercise, recreation, organization, sexuality, finances, and work. You’ll have to navigate a shift in your role and relationship to all of these people and places, and yourself.”

It’s incredible to read or watch anything that makes you feel a little less alone in this world. That it’s okay to not love every part of being a mother, even big parts of it. We sacrifice so much of ourselves to bring children into this world. We can’t give 100% to every aspect of our life and a lot of times we sacrifice things that used to mean a lot to us in order to start a family.

I hope that everyone looks into this, not just mothers or women. If we can better understand what new moms are going through then we can learn to be more compassionate and supportive. We can learn to not shame, but instead lift mothers up.

To all of the incredible moms I’ve photographed…I see you. You’re AMAZING. You are never alone.