As I listen to Esther Perel speak, she mentions how this year could be categorized as ambiguous loss. It punches me right in the gut. This is the first time I hear anyone put it in these terms and I finally feel like what so many of us are feeling is defined.
“Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.” - Wikipedia
This has been the last year for so many, including myself.
From a website called ambiguousloss.com:
“How does it differ from ordinary loss?
Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.”
While this type of loss often refers to the physical loss of someone, it has two meanings:
physical absence with psychological presence
psychological absence with physical presence
Here’s the kicker, feel both of these from this past year.
2020 woke a lot of people up. Admittedly, it shouldn’t have taken a global pandemic and being glued to our news sources to do so, but it did.
The hard part, and where this loss comes into play on a personal level, is that this isn’t a shared loss with many people I know. I’ve seen so many go about their lives like none of this loss has happened. I’ve seen a lack of empathy and understanding.
I’ve had friends and family never stop living their lives like normal because they didn’t want to be inconvenienced or simply didn’t believe any of it was true. It has been completely polarizing to realize that I don’t live in a shared reality with those I held closest to me.
Right now I’m living in physical absence with psychological presence. But, I do wonder if after we enter the world again, I’ll be living in psychological absence with physical presence.
My fear is that I won’t know how to “go back” to the relationships I had before. Knowing that life was worth risking for some or that we don’t see the world the same way.
The reason the ambiguous loss hits me so hard is because there is so much still unknown and happening that I don’t yet know how to grieve it.
I wonder what life will be like as we return to “normal”.